Monday, Monday

  Beautiful day in a beautiful city, even on Monday.
  I woke up early, after a fitful night of sleep.  Wishing the lonely feelings would lift for a little while.  Sometimes, the feelings do lift, but only for short periods.  The plus side is I have learned to deal with it all very effectively. 
  Now that I'm 50, I have started feeling kind of grown up, and I'm very happy with that fact.  Also, I'm very happy with my decision to start a blog.
  For years, I have kept journals and journals, all the time, worrying about what I was writing.  Would someone think my stories were about them when they were not? (that happened with a snooping ex who read uninvited)  Could feelings be hurt? Will people make fun of my fiction?  My grammar?  My views?......I now know the answer to all of these questions are "Yes". 
  Now comes the disclaimer of sorts.  The surgeon general states "You should only read this blog with respect to the Blogger."  Translation:  This one's for me.
   I want my Mommy!  That feeling never stops. Lost her when I was 25 and preg with Jordan.  She was only 51.  I hate, hate, hate hearing people complain about their mother.  I hate watching children disrespect their mothers.  I interfere too much because of this.  Correcting children that are not mine, admonishing friends and co workers when they say less than kind things about their mother.  Is this my business?  Of course it is not.  Still......
  Family situations, in my world are dicey.  Although the death of my mother played the major role in the distant placed between us all, the study of the history of my family shows in may be in the DNA.  Sometimes, I think we each think the other thinks we are inadequate.  I know I always feel as though I have disappointed them, and never made them proud of me.  I always feel as though I have something to make up for, but I'm never really clear on what that is.
  I love my life, even when it gets hard to breathe.  We all have adjustments to make as time goes on, and I have become very accustom to adjusting.
  My mind runs all the time, and I'm constantly thinking.  Very seldom am I just idling, but I really enjoy it when I am able.
  I use to consider myself a Christian, and I would like to keep that title.  I pray daily and often.  I use to attend church, but stopped going when my uncle was not allowed to become a Deacon because his wife, my aunt, had been married before.  25 years before.  For some reason the church considered him unworthy.
He is one of the most righteous men I have ever met.  I stopped going there after that.  Some months later, they voted to take me off the church rolls because I had missed too much.  Sent my uncle, the same man who couldn't be a deacon, to tell me.  Amazing, but fine by me.
 Still, I have considered myself a Christian.  I have tried to be Christ like.  My entire career has been devoted to helping and healing.  Although I do not attend church I still tithe and offer what I can to the people I meet that need help.  I am not perfect.  I am a sinner, and for that I always seek forgiveness.  I try for the Golden Rule, but realize that most times I will fall short. I believe the 10 commandments are more than just suggestions.  I like this method, and want to keep trying.
  Then, I encounter some "real" Christians.  The ones who go to church, insert "In Jesus's name" into everything, but haven't a clue to how to treat their fellow man.  Can't these Christians go to church and listen to the message?  And after listening to the message, shouldn't they at least be happy?  Why are you busy judging me?  My clothes, my car, whatever... Are you doing unto me as you would have me do unto you?  Really think about that for awhile. Proclaiming to be a Christian while openly treating others badly, does not make a strong point for Christ.   You may be the face your church does not want to show.
  All that being said, I seriously do consider myself a Christian.  I am a missionary in my own right, and very thankful for the multitude of blessings that has been my life.